Monday, 26 March 2012

Valuation/devaluation/withdrawal and abuse:

In the beginning of a relationship, an NPD will be extremely loving, caring and giving. They will flatter their victim, and make them feel very special, so they can trap them into feeling dependent, and safe. This does not last long, as they will quickly become "threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding and sadistic, or cold, unloving, detached, and clinical".[Vaknin]

They start by increasingly deriding any subject or interest the victim feels good about. If the victim likes intimacy and sex, they will deny them both, leaving the victim feeling dependent on their abuser's whims to occasionally allow it. If they can not answer an obvious question about their abusive behaviour, they will use the "Silent Treatment", meaning (quite simply), that they will obstinately refuse to say anything, leaving their victim feeling helpless, and alone.

They will never show these traits to other people, as they desperately need Narcissistic Supply. They search for this supply in any situation, and are bitterly frustrated when it is not forthcoming. An NPD is always in a state of fluctuation between depression and the constant search for Narcissistic Supply.

Ken Heilbrunn MD, about Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited: [Abbreivated]

NPD: "First I build you up, because that's what you need. Your skies are blue. Then I start tearing you down. You let me do it because that's what you are used to.
You are incompetent, disrespectful, untrustworthy, immoral, ignorant, inept, egotistical, constrained, and disgusting. You are a social embarrassment, an unappreciative partner, an inadequate parent, a disappointment, a sexual flop, and a financial liability. I tell you this to your face. It is my right. I will behave anyway I want to, with total disregard for conventions or the feelings of others. It is my right, because it is.
I lie to your face, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. In fact, my lies are not lies at all. They are the truth; my truth. And you believe them, because they do not sound or feel like lies. To do otherwise would make you question your own sanity, which you have a tendency to do anyway, because from the very beginning of our relationship you placed your trust and hopes in me, derived your energy from me; gave me power over you."


  1. I have been wondering if i am married to a npd which is what lead me here, what finally got me after reading all the posts was the last paragraph on here, my husband seemed almost too good to be true when we first met, i even thought no one can be this kind well i was right , he totally flipped around after we got married, everything has always revolved around him and he is the most manipulative person i have ever met although he doesnt seem to see it or even care, i will give some examples, he belongs to this group he goes too and he goes every night no matter what even if i ask him to stay home he refuses , i have 4 kids this one night i had the flu so bad i asked him to stay home he wouldnt period , this group he goes to he gets to speak about himself and others praise him , the people ho are in it have no idea what he is really like, he paints a picture of himself as the perfect father and husband and they believe him, at his job he judges everyone , noone can do as good a job as him, if some one does him a favor he acts intilted sometimes even belittling them behind their backs, a friend gave him a bike for our daughter he told me he better bring it when he said ect,if things dont go his way he takes a tantrum i could go on and on but i am sure you get it , now that i feel i know what is wrong ho do i fix it?

  2. How do you fix it?
    He was ignored as a child, and if you say you can HELP him, he will see that as a serious attack. Seriously; they always do.
    You have to (somehow) let him read this blog, but not tell him what you think about it. NEVER say it is about him, but just let him read it, and digest it.
    Say things like "I don't know about this, what do you think?" and then leave him alone to read it.
    It actually worked for me.

    1. Hey Andrew,

      Are you in a relationship with a female NPD?
      Me too, I'd like to know a bit more of your experience. What happened when she read the blog? Has she seeked help? Are you guys still together?

      Thanks a bunch! I really could use some insights!

  3. I just left an NPD. (For the third time). He always comes back, offering the things denied to me before (affection, love, approval...) - and it always ends up the same.

    This most recent time, I actually sold my house to live with him - and moved my teen son into his home.

    Within months, it became a hateful volatile hostile situation. Not only was he able to torment me with threats of ousting me, he was rude and insulting to my son, while his own children (mostly - they aren't always excluded from his torment) were deemed superior.

    Leaving him - so far - has left me relaxed, confident again, and at ease. I can sleep at night, not fear persecution or judgement. Tomorrow is moving day - which he promises to make hell.

    It may be wrong of me to think so, but I don't ever see that NPDs can adjust. I see nothing but alienation of his friends and family in the future. My advice? Ultimatums (which I never had the conviction to do) - then leave. I only wish I hadn't told him I was leaving until the day I did it - he is simply an abuser - without the fists. :(

  4. Dear anon, my story is very similar to yours. I am 3 months out from leaving my NPD ex (for the second time) he was extremely charming when we first met (on a dating site) even though he was an hour late for our first date I forgave him as he was so sweet. He had gradually moved my belongings to his farm an hour away from where I live as he wanted me to live with him & we sold things of mine that we would have two of at his house. I did have my doubts about moving in with him as he became extremely critical of me and had outbursts of irrational rage after drinking for 10+ hrs every day which saw me fleeing back to my home at least once a mth (I was fortunate not to have sold it yet) he was very cold & cruel with his words & I was in tears every other day as I could never do or say anything right, I walked on eggshells every day & had become silent, a subservient. A a very short time after everything was moved to the farm he went into a blinding rage (over a roast dinner I had incorrectly served) & he through me out, he had told me only an hr earlier how much he loved me & how happy he was to have me live at the farm, that is the confusing bit to me. I packed up as much as would fit in my car & left the next morning. He would not answer my calls nor texts to arrange to pick up the rest of my things until I suggested that I would call the police, I had to pay for a removalist to get it all as I did not want to see him. I found a bag of cow manure in with my things which he had packed, to my surprise I laughed & laughed as I could see how pathetic & broken this man is &, I am now free. He is back on the dating site searching for his next victim, he has even used sections of my old profile in his profile which were amusing, I guess I can take that as a compliment!